Peaceful Relationships
By R. Elaine Young
Violence Prevention and Response Coordinator
People for a Healthy Community on Gabriola
Monday, October 6 2008
For many years, in my work as a School Counsellor, I was responsible for anti-bullying programs. Like many of us involved in non-violence, I tended to focus on the negative; the “anti” the response to…. It took me many years to realize that we need to promote the positive. What is healthy? What are the positive attributes of a relationship? This week I want to work from the positive and describe major components of a peaceful and equal relationship.
A peaceful relationship is based on mutual respect, trust and support. In peaceful relationships all parties feel listened to and that their opinions are valued. Good communication skills are the basis of this kind of respect. Instead of judging or trash-talking, good communicators are able to paraphrase and respond to the ideas without hurting the person. In a peaceful relationship, goals of one person are supported by the other. Often those goals, like beliefs about the world, are similar for all who are in the relationship.
Honesty, at a very deep level, and accountability are important in establishing a peaceful relationship. People in the relationship share the responsibilities of the relationship. Decisions about chores, parenting, and other responsibilities are talked about and decisions made in a collaborative way. In a family, there may be formal meetings that involve the members of the family in making decisions. Sometimes meetings are less formal and decisions may be made over a cup of tea or coffee after dinner. Whatever the decisions, they will reflect a fair and equal distribution of resources.
However peaceful you may be in your relationship, conflicts will occur. In a peaceful relationship the parties practice fair negotiation and conflict resolution skills. Again, the key to these skills is to be able to listen to one another and to separate the person from the “issue.” When angry, one learns to manage and defuse rather than to use threatening words or behaviour. Talking through to accept change, compromise and seek a “win-win” solution requires commitment and lots of practice.
And there you have it; the peaceful relationship that we can strive for in our day to day lives. It isn’t a simple solution and no one is perfect. It does give us a goal. If you want to be involved in growing peaceful relationships on Gabriola, give me a call at 250-247-7311.
|
